Name Change? Vote Now!

In the afternoon today, I was trying to see if hefspeak.com was up for grabs so that I could register my domain and have some ads run on my site (no harm in making some money while I write - right?). Fortunately, I found that the domain name 'hefspeak.com' was available and would have cost me only INR 349/year. I was about to press the checkout button and key in my credit card details, when I heard a voice behind me, which said "What are you buying?' That, ladies and gentlemen, was my wife who keeps track of each and every move I make without letting me know at all times.

I explained my intent to her and asked her if it made sense for me to buy a domain name or not for the reason I pointed out above + the fact that it would look good - "Visit hefspeak.com for more details..." She seemed to buy the idea, but jokingly added "What's the point in having a website whose name I cannot even disclose to my parents?" I was stumped. I mean - although I have explained that Hefner was a name given to me by my colleagues at work in Hyderabad, does it still come across as a name that is too self-praising (or not), adulterous, vain, vulgar, difficult to believe, or am I just imagining too much?

While most of us netizens who are familiar with the ways of the Internet would understand why I have a pseudo-name, would the people who are on the other side of the fence and more particularly, the older generation think of me as a sleazy Indian male pornstar? This might be an insignificant fraction of all the people who might read this blog or even have heard about it, but just thinking out loud here... would it make sense for me to blog in my own name rather than call myself Hef?

Keeping in trend with the times (election time), vote to the right and let me know what you think.

~ Hef (or maybe not)

Santa Minus Banta

Merry Christmas to one and all who read this post (and don't). It's funny when you think about the fact that we Indians are such a sentimental race of people. When the US Economy plunges into disaster... so do we; when the World Trade Center gets hit...we feel the pain; when Obama gets elected...we celebrate; when it's Christmas...we spread the cheer.

Maybe it's this quality that keeps us apart from the rest of the world. The constant habit of wondering and being worried about what's going on in our neighbour's house as compared to our own has kept us going strong into this new millenium. Aping the West has truly never been more apt and truer to use in the sense of the word.

Anyway, coming back to the topic - there are certain things I like about Christmas. Here's a list of things I love about this time:

• I especially like the fact that it's a holiday and I can get out from bed when I feel like and not because of the compulsion of going to work. 
• I love the fact that there's something special in the air around this time and New Year's. 
• Noone works... everyone is planning a holiday or a visit back home.
• Bagging the last minute shopping deals meted out by every store (and industry) in the world.
• Great Bollywood, and where available, Hollywood releases.
• This song - Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree. Might be a little late in the post, but let this song keep playing in the background while you read this post and you'll know what I'm talking about.
• The cold (unless you're in Mumbai or the Southern Hemisphere).
• The concept of Santa Claus.
• The excitement in Convent Schools where everyone is scuttling around to produce a play, sing Christmas carols, and get to eat cake at the end of it all.
• Schools/colleges breaking for Christmas and the New Year.
• The fact that we're only 6 days away from yet another Holiday.
• And finally, the belief that all that is good and fun originated in India (including Christmas) as wonderfully portrayed by this video.

Things I feel could be better about Christmas:

• Loud, blaring music from speakers (esp in Gurgaon - yuck!) belting out songs such as 'Zara Zara Touch Me Touch Me Touch Me', 'Jee Karda Bhai Jee Karda', at unbearable volume levels.
• People getting drunk unnecessarily and blaming it on the spirit of the times.
• Indigenous Radio channels converting 'Jingle Bells' into 'Jingle Beliye' (in Punjabi - beliye = lover).
• Elves of this sort (wait for the video to reach the fag end)
• Stupid kids expecting, nay demanding, that latest, hippest mobile phone device from Santa Claus (read parents).

Well - to each his own. Have a Merry Christmas!

~ H0 Ho Ho Hef.

How To Make A Fool Of Oneself

While everyone is writing about the Mumbai terrorist attacks, I just thought that it would make more sense for me to write on anything but that. It's funny how we tend to go overboard, over-sensationalizing an event. While I agree that it might have hurt a lot of people and it definitely did affect me too, it sometimes tends to get irritating that no matter which channel you watch, no matter which newspaper you read, no matter which blog you decide to track down, no matter which article you read on your Google Reader, it always comes back to the same thing - 'The Mumbai Terrorist Attacks'

I think it's high time people got along with their lives and figured out that they should do something in order to avoid a terrible situation like that, instead of writing about it of all things. Yes - there will be that initial reaction of the public to voice their opinion, or pen it down, but this can be effective only to a certain extent. Do your bit - and if you ask me that question, 'What can I do to change things' and don't have an answer for it, don't waste your time penning down your opinions, because frankly, they don't make a difference to anyone.

I am upset with the way we as a country have handled this debacle. Let's stop blaming the government for these things. Instead, we should at this time stand behind the government and resolve to take matters into our hands and deliver what is due to these enemies of society - destruction. Instead, here we are blaming Shivraj Patil, Vilasrao Deshmukh, and now, even Ram Gopal Varma for no reason whatsoever. Who could have foreseen such a situation. What wrong did Deshmukh do to walk in with his son and RGV - are they not citizens? Are they not concerned? Does the public really think that RGV was there just to figure out whether he could translate this incident into a movie...and even if he did - what's wrong with the thought?

This is exactly why we bear the brunt of these terrorist attacks time and again - it's the sheer lack of solidarity that we display to the entire world. We start pointing fingers at people and blaming them for any lapses. We are the same people who when frisked at malls/establishments, contort our faces and get irritated at the security agencies doing their jobs and exclaiming 'If I wanted to get a bomb in, would I put it in the boot of my car?' Well, guess what happened at the JW Marriott in Pakistan?

Let's stop pointing our phalanges towards other people and institutions and instead, be self conscious and start tolerating a little more than we do as described above. Remember, when you point a finger at someone else, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you. Be cognizant of the fact that all the commandoes of the world will not make a difference until and unless you yourself are dilligent and aware enough about your surroundings.

I am not trying to say in any way that these terrorist attacks could have been prevented. It could only have been done by God, if at all, for none of us have the foresight to predict such events. It's important for the citizens of this country to instead come together as a stolid figure and quash these terrorist attacks. Yes - there will be more attacks...it's a way of life and no security of any degree can prevent that. Maybe we too should go to war and wipe out all the fanatic Islam outfits that exist in the world and maybe even get rid of Pakistan if we have to.

The thing that saddens me is that even if we were to do that, so immature are we as a country that we will get into an argument about something or the other internally for sure. We were just not ready for independence when we got it. I am meandering a little bit, but that's where this mess has really stemmed from. Face it, we are still divided as a country, as a race, as a nation. This is nothing but encouragement for any terrorist outfit and attacks will continue to happen as long as we remain this way.

Let's not cry ourselves hoarse and blame government after government for the mess that we ourselves are responsible for. What could we have done do you ask? Well, what could anyone have done for that matter is what I ask you. You can argue for the sake of argument, but can you give me an answer to that question - if so, let's crown you king of India and see how many fingers are pointed at you when something does go wrong.


~ Hef.

The Beauty Lies In It's Simplicity!

This is not supposed to be a technical post at all. It is just a comparison of some behemoth social networking websites that are notorious for creating a hullabaloo in this sensation-starved country. The purpose of this post is not to ridicule one or to praise the other for the presence/absence of their features, but is more of a viewpoint relating post that tells the reader what does/does not appeal to a normal (read light) user of social networking sites.

To start with:

KISS - no...not the gesture or the band, but more of the acronym which has a zillion expansions already, but my favorite - Keep It Simple, Stupid! I guess the fact that so many applications / widgets / gadgets / profiles / communities / events / blah coming in, it gets really confusing for a normal user who just wants to see what his friends are up to off and on and would like to reach out to them once in a while to wish them on their birthday, check their status messages, capture a couple of great videos that they are already watching, take a look at their pictures - I guess that would be about it. But, not only are you subjected to that, but much more with what time they brushed their teeth to what kind of tests they undertook, to who gifted you what, to who scribbled/scrapped/wrote on your wall/scrapbook, etc.
Never has the acronym held truer than when it said - keep it simple, Please! I, for one would love to be present on the main social networking sites of my generation, if for only one criteria - it should be fast, logical, and easy to navigate (ok, that's 3). Instead, I got sucked into this web of endless tabs, toolbars, applications, and gadgets. Thanks to them, today - I am completely off social networking and reply/respond only to my friend's messages.

I don't want no music, I don't want no invites to applications, I don't want no hugs/kisses/kicks.

Clean interface: I love Google's web designing. Hats off to the Ux designer of this website. One of the comments that I have heard from an ignorant friend of mine is how can a company whose website looks like it is under construction with no pictures and just a text box rake in millions, sorry billions, of dollars every quarter? Well - the answer is simple - keep it clean...keep it white (without being racist)...keep it sane...keep it original...keep it simple - ok, this point is also veering towards the first one, but you get the point, right?

The ability to customize: This is where I feel an iGoogle will help. See what you want to see. Do what you want to do.

Stickiness: I guess all social networking companies are out to guess and make sense of what is it that will make a user stick to their site. Well, honestly, it takes a LOT to get that audience and keep them there. The fact that the audience to these websites is waning is not an encouraging sign for a social networking business.

Nicheness: It's about time that nicheness kicked in in the form of a LinkedIn. However, I sincerely hope that there won't be more sites trying to carve a niche rather than fitting into the niche segment and becoming popular.

The constant 'wow' factor: Every company needs to keep innovating and social networking sites are not an exception to this rule. Big Adda did that with aggressive marketing and Amitabh's blog...Facebook did it by using a combination of the invite/old school chums method...Orkut did it by the invite method and keeping things simple...MySpace did it (in the US) by sticking to the discovery of music...iMeem did it by figuring out what your friend's were listening to. Note that all these networking sites are now in the process of seeing receding/slowed traffic. Why? The 'wow' factor that they relied on so heavily initially is not so 'wow' any more. Everyone is copying everyone and making everything as plain as day. There has to be some standalone, exclusive, constantly changing 'wow' factor to keep a user engaged in whatever he/she does.

Watch the spam/porn: Very important if you want your users to stick with you. You will have an audience if you have a lot of porn and you will also have a lot of audience if you don't have any porn. However, the spam thingy - strict no no!

No ads - please! Unless of course a user opts into seeing ads of any kind.

Don't try and become no. 1. If it has to happen it will. If you keep it simple enough, the #1 position is reserved for you. Well then - how do you end up making money? Simple - don't. If you are not into some other business, then social networking is not for you (yet). However, if you are in a very competitive advertising market and people and companies do believe in the power of the internet apart from measuring it in a very ROI-centric way, then my friend, you are in business. Then, it pays to go out there and capture all the world's traffic.

Stand out - and definitely not like a sore thumb! Differentiate yourself from others. Don't do what other's have done and try and ape them. Retain your style. Make a statement like I am making one right now - Goodnight!

~ Hef.

"Average Indian spends just Rs.440 on food per month" - bah, humbug!

Yeh main nahi kehta - yeh woh kehte hain! Funnily enough, when you click on the link that is supposed to be their external website...ha!

Here’s a link to the entire story...

First of all, the headline of the post itself: Average Indian spends just Rs 440 on food per month

Right - and I spend just 30 p on electricity. I mean, first of all - who is an ‘average Indian’…and secondly, what constitutes ‘food’? Who is considered to be an ‘urban’ citizen (is mumbai = jaipur)? Who is a rural inhabitant?

Let’s look at this in a different light. What is the average per capita income of an Indian? Ans. INR 29,642 (according to this article). That means the average Indian earns approx. INR 2500/month. That means they spend ~ 17% of their income on food. That sounds slightly believable, but if I were to take things into consideration via percentages, then either I am underspending like crazy or I am malnourished and keep my family that way as well. The percentage spend on food in my case stands at approx. 11% (and I have a family of 2 and I have discounted eating out - which I am sure even the calculations above must have taken into consideration).

The NSSO data showed a rural Indian spending just Rs.12 per month on fruit, while his urban counterpart Rs.28.

Please show me where the hell such a fruit-seller is, or are these people surviving on a diet of a bite of an apple a day? Further, I feel that this data is again misrepresented because they have taken into consideration the entire population who eats fruits and who don’t eat fruits as well. In a sense of the word, it’s not an oranges - oranges comparison (no pun intended).

Basically, this is a very open-ended article which leads to a lot of questions and leaves the reader with a lot going on in his/her mind, as to whether we are being conned in our daily lives with regard to food prices.

And as always, one Mr. Jaiswal says the following - blame it on the Government, no matter who it is.

“”It is an alarming situation, which will lead to severe malnutrition, and will subsequently weaken human resources. The government must reorient its policies.”

And for those of you who are wondering, here is a breakup of the sample size, once again, very very ambiguous:

NSSO survey results relate to July 2006 to June 2007, and findings are based on a randomly drawn sample, 63,729 households spread over 5,573 villages and 7,698 urban blocks countrywide.

Here's testament to the fact that prices are rising multifold than what the government is projecting. Courtesy: http://www.rediff.com/getahead/2008/apr/09fm.htm

Are these guys doing to the per capita consumption what the government is doing to the inflation figures, and what women do most of the time….Faking it?

Two In One

Two posts in one day...not bad.

Ok - so I've already hit writer's block and don't know where I am going with the story. In the first place, as soon as I was all enthusiastic to start writing about something, the lights went out...I fell asleep, and all of a sudden, the idea that was my ripe in mind had somehow just disappeared!

Not going to take up too much of your time except that the story lives to be told another day. Nothing from my stable just yet. Maybe I should just make a movie. That way, even the reader/viewer won't be exposed to it twice.

Hmm...some direction of thought there, or maybe so because it's just convenient for me. Well, whatever!

A Random Post 

~ Hef.

Writing A Book? The Beginning of Something Big?

Now that's an interesting thought, isn't it? I could never have imagined that I would get down to writing a book, or at least attempting to write one. I have harboured this secret urge for quite some time now, and I feel that with time on my hands and nothing better to do, I might as well get down to writing a book. 

I could of course, watch tons of movies, considering that I have got 4x24 hours at my disposal, but something within me tells me that it's now or never. Everyone feels like writing a book at some point in their lives. Some do it, and some don't. I have no idea whether I will be able to actually get down to it or even get a few pages written down, but rest assured, I am going to give it a shot to say the least.

But before that, a few questions that I must ask myself:

• Subject?

Ramblings of a few blokes working for one of the greatest companies that man/woman has ever worked in (sorry, can't elaborate more than this - fear of being whipped by the corp comm team of this company).

Story's about a group of guys who talk about everyone and everything under the sun. Mind you - it's got a lot of stuff that guys would normally talk about (and that involves a lot of dirty stuff). An insight into the minds of a few normal guys.

• Plot?

Are you kidding me? Nothing!!!

• Plans of making this a full-time hobby?

Since the recession is already here, I need to figure out an alternative shot at making some money at least.

• Will it become a movie?

Now, there's a thought...

• Who's going to be your audience?

I don't know...anyone who has a lot of time to do nothing.

• Is access free of charge?

As are all the good things in life - yes...this is free access to one and all who care (or don't). Well, free at least for some time. Once (and if) it becomes a rage, then who knows? I know I am greedy.

• Afraid of being sued?

Who isn't?

• Timelines?

Starting now, Saturday, 25th October, 2008. Don't know when (and if) I will finish.

• Where should the readers go to read the junk that I'll write?

Umm...good question. Will post the link as soon as I make some progress.

• Ready?

Ready.

• Go...

Gone!

~ Hef.

Gettin' Jiggy With It - Globally

Here's what symbolizes the title of this post.

For those of you who are not familiar with the matter, although I must admit it's hard to miss, here's a quick, simplistic, humorous explanation of the entire situation (thanks to greatbong).

Part 1
Part 2

The times, they are a changin'. 6 months ago, who could have imagined that stocks could plummet globally from where they were to where they are now. Each day where the stocks rally, there is jubilation all around the globe and hopes resurface as the end of a nightmare. Well, the very next day, things are back to the way they were. Stocks are tumbling, people are committing suicide, and I am losing sleep.

Losing sleep not because I have a significant investment in my company's stock options (which are pretty much worthless right now), but am wondering whether I am ready to brave the next 12-24 months and retain holding the stocks till the worst phase is over. The worst part about the entire thing is that there are no guarantees in life and the meltdown is no exception either.

As mentioned earlier, I don't have any money in stocks. I prefer playing it safe. I don't miss the highs of the stock market and definitely don't care about the lows. However, considering that I intend making some changes to the way I live, be it in terms of lifestyle or responsibilities, these are nervous times. I guess this is what they say about growing up - you start caring about things that don't affect you directly in the least bit. I believe in playing it safe and investing my money in very very safe avenues, also because I don't have much to save (isn't that a global problem as well?). Each day I wake up, I frantically search for my blackberry, and key in the stocks that I care about the most (on google.com/m), only to be disappointed with a graph that is slanting downwards to the right bottom of my tiny mobile screen.

Can anything be done? I honestly doubt it. We have to pay for our greed and what better way to pay for it than to have that thing taken away that gave rise to a vice in the first place?

I am sure people must have seen this coming at some point in time. All conversations that I have with my friends/relatives all surround this terrible state of affairs. Some of the things that come out of the conversation are:

• "I am not going to invest in stocks ever again"
• "This global crap has happened all because of human greed"
• "Suicides by stockbrokers is spreading like an epidemic"
• "What's your guess on what's going to happen?"
• and like a fresh breath of air - "Where/when do you think will the next bomb strike be?"

Depressing, ain't it?

Changing tracks slightly, 2008 hasn't been all that a great year for the citizens of the world. Some failures that come to mind immediately, in no order as such:

• Failure of the Nano project in W Bengal
• Number of bomb blasts (we are second only to Iraq) in the country
• Waving a wad of currency notes in the Indian Parliament reminiscent of this disgraceful scene
  
• Globally weak economies
• Iceland declaring itself bankrupt
• No hikes in salaries
• Weakening job markets
• No decent movies to watch (so far)
• Reality shows becoming passe' except of course that fateful evening on Bindaas TV and the confusion of the participant shouting 'How can you slap?' and then clarifies again "How can she slap?"
  
• No great music either this year
• Sourav Ganguly announcing his retirement - by far the best leader (cricket, et. al) India has ever had.
• Prices of petrol going through the roof
• Benazir Bhutto's assassination...well to be honest, this was Dec 27, 2007...but close enough.*
  
• Hurricanes Ike, Hanna, Gustav
• iPhone overpriced in India, and therefore, much beyond the reach of the common man.

(* thanks Suhel for pointing the date out...)

Some points to make the Indian at heart feel better:

• India launched 10 satellites at once, setting a world record for most number of satellites launches.
  
• Finally a gold medal for India in the 2008 Beijing Olympics
• Lalu at his best: Part 1 / Part 2
  
• Zardari acts all amorous
• umm... I guess that's it.
  

Hopefully, towards the end of the year, when and if I still own a laptop/PC, I will write to enumerate all the significant events in the year that was.

Coming back to getting jiggy with it - it's just getting more and more 'jiggier'. Watch out for the rest of this year for the ultimate shakedown of the millennium.

God bless!

~ Hef.

Women Drivers & My Hatred For Their Driving

Bad day for me today. Looked at my Analytics reports and found that my readership had fallen to an all-time low yesterday. Therefore, decided to put fingers on keyboard and become more regular with my irregular habit - blogging.

Women Drivers - simply said, I abhor them. Share the same view? No? Ok, allow me to tell you more...

Have you ever seen a woman drive a car before (or for that matter even a two-wheeler)? For women, the car's true symbolism lies in the fact that it is actually a 4-wheeler machine which to them seems like the most vulnerable of all their belongings. The way they look at each and every car in the rear-view mirror, in front of them through the windshield, or even by their side glances is one that any person who sees them driving thinks of them as the most susceptible and scared human beings that there ever were. It's like a whole new world for these folks. Seems as though they have just opened their eyes and voila! they've been thrown into this mysterious world of bad bad people and bad bad cars. The look that they get on their face when they see a truck or a bus approaching is that of a two-year old when they see a 6-foot moustached burly fellow standing in front and coochie-cooing them. Mouths agape, eyes bulged out and ready to bawl!

One thing that strikes me most often when they drive is their inability to take a look at what's in front of them most of the time. The minute they approach a bumper or need to needle out their car from some thin lane, they suddenly get up on their seat and look down wondering if they have just run over a squirrel or two. Instead of focusing on what's in front of them, there they are half hoisted on their seat, take a quick cursory look to the left and right and then up again and ride out and even then, manage to get a scratch or two. The older ones are very experienced and apt at this.

Not only do women not know how to drive, they don't know how to a) Park, b) Drive fast, c) Follow a lane, d) Stick to the left when they feel that they are going too fast (read over 30 km/hr), e) Give way, f) Change gears at the right time, g) Change tyres (I have given a hand to many a one).

Women just can't let go of being conscious of the way they look no matter where they are - be it the loo in a restaurant, a high-profile party, and obviously, the car is no exception either. I have seen then many-a-time in their cars stuck in traffic, quickly powdering their nose, applying lipstick, a couple of hairbrushes coming out, eye-liners, and of course, the tissue paper in their hands. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn! They however do...

Mobile phones have been banned while driving, but apparently these self-proclaimed members of the 'weaker' sex think of themselves to be an exception to this rule. Ladies - wake up and smell the coffee - you are now in a totally different zone. Your hairdresser/tailor/boyfriend can and will wait. It's you who needs to be patient and ask them to call you back later, or better still, not answer the phone. Am sure being the sort of men we are, we won't be suspicious for even a second of your whereabouts :)

Banging their own cars (not in the literal or sexually suggestive way of speaking) seems to come very naturally to them. Yes, not saying that we men are immune to them, but our scale is much higher and believe it or not, we make an impact. With the women though, it's a scratch here, a dent there, and inevitably, it's their fault. You know when you've been hit by a woman-driven car when you hear a squeaky voice scream from outside of your car, 'Oh, my God! Can't you see???' Well, I can. The problem here is your poor eyesight and your lack of a skill called driving.

And for some of my brethren out there, I feel your pain when you have to sit next to one of these women while they drive...I really do.

Now, to be fair to them let me point out the times when being a woman driver can actually be a good thing. This time, I'll summarize since the points are very few and I couldn't think of more ways to elucidate my views.

- Pleasure to the male eyes... the women, not the cars.
- You can't/shouldn't beat them up if they hit your car.
- The police lets them off easily. A smile here, a blink there and it's all taken care of. Ladies - a word of caution though. They don't like it when you call them 'bhaiya'
- They can't beat you up if you hit their car. By the way, their favorite position when they hit your car or vice versa is akimbo.
- Have hardly ever heard of major accidents with a woman behind the wheel.
- They don't have to change their own flat tyres/fix their car if something goes wrong, not because they can't, but because they don't know how to.

All right, enough - think the good points already outweigh the bad ones. Got to stop myself from wishing I was a woman behind the wheel...struggling....got to stop...got to....aargh....

phew!

- Hef

Weekends

An important event in every working individual's life - the big W - the Weekend. A lot of people look forward to it, a lot of them don't for their own reasons, some people enjoy it, and some people just louse around at home doing nothing awaiting the impending doom of the next working week which will start in a few hours time.

I live in a village, Gurgaon (and yes, I refuse to call it anything but a village) that has little to do over the weekends, unless you are a shopaholic with a lot of money and an insatiable craving for stepping out into the horrid heat.

You see what happened here - I got carried away and I am sure this is going to turn into one of those posts where I criticize anything and everything about this place. Sometimes I wonder why am I here. Isn't being here or not completely in my hands? What's binding me to this place? Why am I not bold enough to just take a step and get out of here if I can't come to terms with this place? Well, let that be the topic of discussion for another post altogether. Let me get back on track here.

All right, so coming back on track...a lot of people in this part of the world believe in the fact that they should go out for a weekend break to a godforsaken part of this country just for the drive and the heck of it. Well, as you might have guessed by now - I am not one of the flock.

A lot of people also like going out for a movie and a lunch/dinner with their better halves/families/friends. Again, I am out of this for a few reasons - my better half goes on a cleaning spree over the weekend and I am too lazy to be involved in it. A movie + lunch/dinner means a 1000 bucks down the drain for sure. I might as well just buy a DVD or watch one of the many zillions that I possess but haven't seen yet and order in a cheese pizza with Thums Up - all this for less than 500 bucks and in the comfort of my own home, not that my place is a very ambient place - no reasonably priced apartment in Gurgaon is for that matter. As far as the question of friends/family is concerned, my friends are too busy with either getting hooked up with females or spending time with one of their own. As far as family is concerned - I don't even have any in this place (and thank God for that).

Well then - what about new friends? Isn't Delhi the place to make friends of all shapes and sizes? Well, yes and no. Yes because it is true...you need to have someone with the same mindset and with the same ideologies as yourself and no because the kind of people that exist in this part of the forest are extremely impractical, crude, rude, dishonest, ill-mannered, sick, corrupt and corruptible individuals. There has to be a reason why someone from this place will want to spend some time on a weekend with you. There just has to be a hidden agenda behind the smile. In short, friends/family/strangers aka potential friends - OOTQ - out of the question.

Ok, so what do I actually end up doing? Nothing. Period.

Lie around the whole day, do some grocery shopping, order in grub, watch DVDs/TV, yawn, and of course - my favorite pastime - crib about this place and contemplate and try and figure out how to get back to where I came from - Hyderabad or Kolkata or to a completely unknown destination such as Singapore, Bangalore, or anywhere but here!

Samsher Sikander Chaddie Buddy - & other such fallacies

Title of the post translated - Samsher Sikander Underwear Buddies!

Sitting on a Kingfisher flight staring at the in-flight entertainment system with most channels showing up as scrambled, and therefore flipping channels - and this is what I see. Is this what kids watch these days? Unbelievable!!!

It’s good to be proud of one’s mother tongue and maintain that sense of national integrity, but translating all good shows/movies into the Hindi language is a serious sin. I mean - Stanley Kubrick will turn in his grave if he hears the cult satire - Dr. Strangelove being recited by a bunch of Hindi-speaking jokers reciting the dialogues made infamous by Peter Sellers and George C. Scott.

One of the funniest translations that I have ever come across was for the movie Jurassic Park, where the humongous dinosaurs were referred to as ‘dekho dekho, itna bada chhipkali’ (for those uninitiated to the Hindi language or those who want to fake it) the literal translation is ‘look, look! Such a huge lizard’. blech - how could they even come up with something like that?

Coming back to the wonderful show that triggered my fingers off to blog about this immediately, this cartoon show is about a boy who has a monkey as a friend and they play pranks. The funny part is that at the introduction of the show, where the boy (am assuming he is Samsher) is introducing his monkey (Sikander), while the monkey introduces himself by bearing his behind and slapping his rear repeatedly shouting out his name. Anyway - all the best to the kids who are watching this kind of nonsense and their parents.

I really miss watching all the shows that really made cartoons what they are supposed to be - innocent and fun-loving. The original Tom & Jerry cartoons...not the trash that Hanna Barbara or whoever is churning out these days by turning old foes into friends (is the Cold War really over?), Popeye Show, Disney Cartoons, and of course, those good old Looney Tunes characters - Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd (wabbit hunter), Tweety & Sylvester, Lode Runner & Coyote, the list goes on. Absolutely brilliant!

The show that still tickles my funny bone and that I have the fortune of catching once in a while in English is Johnny Bravo. Agreed that it’s not the classic, traditional rib-tickler, and is for the slightly older audience (read teenagers), but heck - it makes me laugh.

I guess one of the reasons that most of these shows have gone off the air is because of the fact that they have seen rerun after rerun and the cartoon channels need to offer variety in order to keep advertisers interested. The good thing about this entire thing though is the fact that many animation movies are being churned out these days, and I am happy to say that most of the stuff is pretty entertaining and is full ‘paisa vasool’.

Animated movies such as the Shrek Trilogy, Finding Nemo, Lion King series, various Disney animated movies, Dreamworks productions, and yes - South Park too for those who just enjoy nonsensical shows, these programs/movies offer great entertainment value. Sometimes I prefer watching these animated movies to the trash that some Hollywood producers (not to mention bad Bollywood movie houses) churn out. At least you know that you will laugh at the points where the writer/producer’s intend you to.

All this writing really reminds me that there are quite a few animated movies that I need to catch up on. I just hope that these fellas don’t go overboard in the quest to make hay while the sun shines and this genre is still a very safeguarded and specialized one.

Bollywood has tried it’s best to cash in on the trends that the Hollywood guys have set by producing some animation flicks of their own. Unfortunately, as always, we have made an utter mess of what could have been a wonderful opportunity. Animated movies such as Ghatotkacha (the spelling always confuses me!), Ganesha, Shri Krishna, Hanuman, etc. (what’s the deal with these god-obsessed, illiterate movie producers?) have completely sidelined their audience and restricted them to children. It’s surprising. I thought Hindi productions were made to cater to the masses, but this came as a complete surprise to me. Badly animated, poor script execution, terrible production are just some of the hallmarks of our Indian attempts at making animated movies.

Well - that in a nutshell my friends are my views on what the state of the animated caricatures of entertainment productions are here. Feel free to disagree. Until next time - tally ho!

Blogging From The Skies II (actually)

The latest from the skies – stuff that I really never thought I’d use until now, when I realized that I wasn’t going anywhere with it and I might as well publish it considering the fact that I was not going to really do anything with it.

The reason why I call this piece as the latest from the skies is because publishing this article on the web occurred to me in the skies while flying Spice Jet (for the first time) from Bangalore to Delhi on a 9.25 pm flight.

An Indian in America

Hi! This is a paper about my stay here in the USA. I was here as part of a personnel selected by my company to represent the Indian office in America. Needless to say, I was excited about the thought of going to a foreign land. Accompanying me on this trip was another person who had to fulfill a similar role.

Now, I had been to America earlier, that is, in the month of January, 2006. I was part of a contingent that was representing my company in a Global Sales Conference. I was here for about 10 days and thought that I had seen everything that I needed to see. Soon, I found out how wrong I was.

This paper will comprise of a list of things that one should do, as well as things that one should not do. I hope that this will provide an insight to all the people who have visited/are visiting/will be visiting this great land. I am particularly going to point out differences in culture, society, and the general demeanor that is expected from an individual staying here. I sincerely hope that my efforts are appreciated and this paper proves to be helpful to anyone who is currently dreaming about America and living there.

In addition, I would like to thank all the people who made this paper possible – people whom I knew, people whom I didn’t know, and people whom I got to know. Let me start now taking my previous sentence into consideration (oh! In case you’re wondering which one – “Some people whom I got to know.”)

Some people whom I got to know

In America, you are expected to know everyone and everyone is expected to know you. I am not talking about the streets, the pavements, etc. Rather, I am talking about the office space, grocery stores, coffee shops, etc. It’s become very clear to me that once you walk into a particular person’s domain, you automatically are supposed to be at ease with them. They will comment on what you want, what you should take, how you should take it, why you should take it – the complete works, and will speak to you in such a way that will make you doubt your own power of remembering people.

If you are in the office space
• Laugh at other people’s jokes, even if you have never been introduced to them
• Call everyone by their first name, even if they are a hundred years older than you.
• There is no concept of hierarchy here.
• Your manager is supposed to listen to you – not the other way around
• Say ‘hi’ to everyone, including the bull dog that your co-worker has placed conveniently on the bean bag that you ordered for yourself from the company store.
• Say things like ‘awesome,’ ‘that’s exciting,’ ‘cool,’ ‘dude,’ ‘sure,’ ‘no problem,’ ‘thank you,’ excuse me,’ ‘welcome,’ and other such niceties as often as you can. These words should be in every alternate sentence that you use (even if you don’t mean it).
• Laugh for no reason.
• Everyone’s got an opinion – respect it no matter how crappy the idea or the opinion may be.
• When you shake hands with people, always say, ‘Nice to meet you.’ (Also a general rule)
• Don’t make too much noise while eating.
• People are obsessed with working on their laptops – let them do it.
• Everyone’s seeing someone – don’t bother trying your luck + don’t forget – to people there, you talk funny.

If you are in other places, such as grocery stores, supermarkets, on the road, public transport, etc. Just keep in mind that while you are in one of these places, the owner of the domain is your friend, and the minute you walk out of his domain, he just doesn’t care (and why should he – practical, ain’t it?)
• If you have a question, let them know, for example, ‘Excuse me, can I ask you a question?” If you don’t do this, they will assume that you are trying to rob them.
• People are very clever – they will siphon off money at the first given chance.
• If you are on the road – don’t let your eyes meet the eyes of shabbily dressed fellows, gays, rappers, and some black people (you’ll know one when you see them).
• When you are in the ‘domain’ – be meek and surrender to your environment. Laugh, smile, say something but just don’t stare at someone when they are talking to you, as though they are some characters right out of ‘Gremlins.’

Other general ramblings:

• Say ‘hi’ to absolutely everyone if you make eye contact.
• Be dressed for the occasion. Don’t walk into a hood wearing your latest Armani suit. Jeans and a torn shirt will be just fine. Mess up your hair to mix in with the crowd.
• Don’t peek into other people’s laptops or try and admire what they are carrying – they will consider you a criminal.
• There are TONS of gays – be wary of them. Don’t talk to them if they accost you or call you (a male) – ‘Hi babe,’ ‘Hi sexy,’ or ‘What’s cooking hot bod?’
• There are also tons of gay demarcated areas. They have a rainbow flag in most of those areas – stay away (unless you yourself are gay).
• Don’t stare at weird people – they love attention and will come to you for some more if you give them an iota of it.
• Don’t carry too much money with yourself. There’s always a thug in some corner of some street. Hand over your money to them if they are carrying a weapon – if not, scream, shout, beat him up, and be prepared to get beaten up.
• If you are vegetarian, you are in for a rude shock. Everything is tasteless and the restaurants are exorbitant and damaging.
• Any helping of food here is super large. If you can eat a horse, order a mule (you get the drift, right?)
• Everything here is done on a grand scale and there are no exceptions to this rule.
• There are no such things as servants, or in more proper terms, anything called ‘help.’ You are your own help, and the adage was never truer – God helps those who help themselves (even when you’re getting mugged).
• Technology is like secondary nature here in America. If you don’t know how to do something, either ask someone, or if you don’t know English, just wait and watch someone else do that certain something. It helps a lot.
• Traffic jams are uncommon in California. Everything is mechanized. You have a chance of being killed if you don’t obey the traffic rules. Pedestrians – no one is going to stop for you. Use the skills that you learnt in kindergarten – look to the left, to the right, and to the left again (vice versa if you are in the opposite direction of cars approaching)….and one more important thing before you do a neck twist – make sure that the signal to walk is lighted.
• At certain times, be prepared to be called a ‘brother’ by an Afro-American. They think of you as one of their own, just with lighter skin.
• There are two ways of greeting people – 1) What’s up? And 2) How’s it goin?. There is a third as well, but don’t use it – How’s it hangin’?
• Do not go hiking where there is no trail. In fact, do not go hiking at all. Mama’s boy will not be able to manage climbing down 1000 feet and then climbing up another 1000 feet (which will seem like 10,000).
• If you are riding a bicycle, make sure that you stick to the lane that is meant for bicycles, and god help you if you have to or try to cycle uphill.
• There is this place called Amoeba – you will be tempted to spend all your time and money there. Don’t do it. You will have to live on a shoestring budget if you end up buying stuff from there. This is not because things there are too expensive, but quite the opposite way around. Things there are so cheap and reasonable (yes – cheaper than India) that you will want to pick up everything in sight. Try not to.
• Baseball is the best game in the world, especially if you are going to the SBC Park (now called the AT&T Park) to watch a game. Not because of the sport, but because of the pretty girls.
• Explore, explore, explore, but with caution. There are good places and there are not so good places. In fact, there are some bad places as well.
• Baseball is the soul of this country. People will ask you about Cricket. Explain it to them in the same context as baseball, for example, explain to them that there is a ‘batter’ and a ‘pitcher’ in this game as well, and continue drawing similarities between the two sports. All this, if you are at all familiar with the game of baseball yourself.
• Everyone here has an iPod perpetually glued to their ears. Don’t let this intimidate you. Do not buy an iPod if you are not overly fond of music. Go for an external hard drive. It’s cheaper and it stores much more data. But, if you just want music, there are few things better than this fantastic, revolutionary Apple product.
• Sunglasses are referred to as ‘shades.’ Everyone wears them, even when there’s no sun. It’s said to be a fashion statement. Don’t bother to wear it, unless you have a really good-looking, expensive pair.
• Visit Best Buy and Fry’s Electronics for electronics. Some of the best deals are found online, but if you are not comfortable using the Internet to purchase products, use these stores.
• Walmart is super cheap. Shop for your family of 135 people here.
• Go to as many live shows and concerts as you can here. Back in India, the only live show that you will get to see is when one of the pop starts (the Indian Idols/aspirants) decides to share their so-called talent with the rest of the country.
• All the girls in America are pretty.
• Don’t be adventurous and go skydiving or decide to be macho and do doughnuts in a car. In fact, don’t drive. If you get caught, it’s a huge deal. They will ask you for identification, your proof of residency, international license, insurance details, where you got the car from, your credit card, and even then you might end up in the locker.
• Be as active as possible. Try and make as many friends as possible, otherwise weekends will be impossible to get through. You will feel miserable and lonely and feel as though noone cares.
• Don’t expect that you will be shown around everywhere, or that people will proactively come and ask you what you want to do for a particular holiday. It will happen some of the time. Don’t let it become a habit. People will appreciate it if you ask them to go out with you to a particular place of interest. Don’t be surprised if you receive ‘no’ for an answer.
• As the time of your departure comes closer, life will appear to come to a standstill. You will want to spend the rest of your life here and experience the wonderful land of dreams – America.
• Maintain a list of expenses and be sure to save all your receipts. This will help you spend less and less money as you keep updating your account.
• This is considered bad etiquette universally, but you should not talk in your colloquial language when you are in company. It is a terrible thing to do and could give the other people present the wrong impression and make them feel that you are either ridiculing them or simply ridiculing the purpose that everyone has gathered here for.
• Somehow, when people leave office to get dinner from the office cafeteria, it doesn’t look all that bad. However, when we it, with our characteristic habit of eating everything in sight, it makes it look disgusting and gluttonous. Avoid it.
• Girls and guys do not differentiate between sexes here. Yes, girls will always be given preferential/chivalrous treatment and guys will always get the shorter end of the stick as well as ogle at girls. However, when it comes to physical contact, don’t be surprised if members of the opposite sex are free with their physical movements and touch you when you least expect it. Guys, don’t get excited…the most for you is a friendly hug or a brush against the shoulder (and I am not talking about a ‘boob brush.’)
• Pizzas are the safest thing to eat here. Yes, you will gain weight because of the REAL cheese that is used, but you can always lose that extra fat when you return to your home country, or decide to go on a Gandhi fast.
• Carry your passport/other identification documents with you when you are out of your apartment. You never know when you might need it. It is not like India where you can walk into a bar and demand a drink. A) You need to get to the bar, B) You need to prove that you are 21 years old, C) You need to know what you want to drink, D) Make sure that you are paying for yourself, E) Say ‘thank you’ for everything under the sun, F) The bartender is a ‘person,’ treat him like one, G) Tip the bartender if he/she gets food for you, H) Don’t stare at the bartender if it’s a girl. They usually are and are very good looking at that too.
• Don’t have chips (baked or otherwise) for breakfast.
• Some funny things an Indian will say to try and sound American in the office –
o “Don’t worry, I will only have to do.”
o “I’m upto my eyeballs with stuff”
o “She was doing it remember, on Monday?”
o “Cut paste, cut paste, cut paste, do it na!”
o “No, many times, sometimes it comes like dear so and so, dear so and so.”

• You will hate going back. It is terrible, but it’s true and is something that you have to do, whether or not you like it. It is not going to take any amount of persuasion for you to stay back. Don’t keep any hopes alive at all.
• Live each moment in America as though it was the last thing that you’ll ever do in your life.

Life in Gurgaon (or the lack of it)

pssst..scroll down for the latest clippings.

Gurgaon - the city of spires, towering buildings, swank malls, etc., etc., etc., is also the much-hated, much-despised city with no transport, no water, no electricity, high rentals, horrid people, the list goes on and on and on and on. My hate for this city cannot be measured in terms of words - in fact, words run dry to express my hatred for this godforsaken so-called 'city.' There's plenty that's to be said here in this group.

I am surprised how this city is surviving. It is perhaps the biggest eyewash that an individual can fall prey to. On the outside of it all is glamour and glory, but the inside is as hollow as an empty barrel of wine. There is nothing in this city that might attract an individual to settle down here - no parks, no recreational facilities, dust and dirt seem to be the order of the day, horrible summers, extremely chilly winters (not that I mind those), once again the list can go on and on and on.

What's perhaps one of the most unique and differentiating features of the culture of this place is the people. Crude, dishonest, rustic, out to make a quick buck, rude, abusive, alcoholic, desperate, wannabe, woman-ogling, spineless - these are the first few adjectives that come to mind immediately.

There's one characteristic feature about this city that will remind you of your 'desh ki dharti'. Yes, you guessed it right - dust, 'dhool', 'mitti'. It is present in abundance and will get in your face and eyes even if you don't want it to. Very generous of the government and the numerous money-greedy builders all around the 'city'. If dust was money, Gurgaon is the 'golden goose' of the world. It flies everywhere and anywhere. Now, I don't blame the weather gods for dust storms, since that is a natural phenomenon and there's very little we can do about it. But, a constant dust storm and a manmade one at that is just too much to digest. People are sure to die of some form of lung disease if they stay for long in this 'city'.

Another interesting feature about this place are the traffic lights - or once again, as the subject of this blog post is - the absence of it. There are no traffic lights. Kids, if you decide to take the car out for a spin and bang the car, blame it on the lights - they NEVER work!

The administration (read 'the police') is virtually non-existent. Oh, am sorry - yes, they do turn up at traffic signals once in a hot, sultry afternoon only to fleece passers-by and owner driven cars for some excuse or the other. It seems that these rascals survive on bribes and bribes alone. I personally, have been a party to their indiscipline. It so happened that at about midnight one Saturday, my car was involved in an accident and I promptly called up '100' to report the matter. The response I got from a yawning, sleepy, lackadaisical, hopeless thing called a policeman, was that it was too late at night and that noone could come at this hour. Therefore, I should probably try and come the next day some time around 10 AM. It's a different matter that my car is not running at all and I can't move it forward or backward. Next time folks, if you are in Gurgaon, and you see someone commit a murder, don't bother reporting it - they'll ask the dead person to walk into the police station the next day after taking a bath and washing all that blood off.

What worries me immensely is the sheer feeling of insecurity and absence of security one can see all around them. When the administration can be so careless and non-bothered. If you've been (un)fortunate enough to visit any of the commercial offices/complexes in this city, there are security guards who seem to think no end of themselves and are rude and ill-mannered to the core apart from having absolutely no education whatsoever. These fellows stand across each other holding a rope in their hand to allow/disallow unauthorized cars to enter the building. Ropes! to stop cars. Ropes! I realized the day that I reached this place that we are just sitting ducks waiting to be hit by a major terrorist attack. I wonder what these terrorist groups are doing bombing Jaipur and Hyderabad. Gur(Bad)Gaon is a city with a large gentry of people working in MNCs and feature one of the largest populations of expats in the country. Wait - what am I doing here? Giving dope to these terrorist outfits! Then again, Gurgaon deserves it. Just not with the people from outside of this place in it.

If you decide to live in this place even after reading all this - please write back to me at hefspeak@gmail.com. I will write a wonderful eulogy for you in advance and free of cost.

If you decide to get out of this place after reading this post or at least have the desire to move out - you too must write back to me at hefspeak@gmail.com so that I know that I am not alone in this world and in my views. I promise to publish the best views for/against Gurgaon.

Yeh Hef ka vaada hai - tootega nahi!

...and here's the latest from the 'Millenium City'

tip - right click, 'save as...' and then enjoy it in it's full g(l)ory.


A linkback that I got from a gentleman who shares my hatred for Gurgaon :)

Posting the translated version (courtesy: Google Translate) from Polish http://myindiaexperience.wordpress.com/category/gurgaon/

Coming here I knew more or less behind zapowiadało be quite so nice ... And how is it really?
Gurgaon to Manhattan to the trash. All of these elegant office buildings wyrastają with clouds of dust, which of the ubiquitous construction sites wciska in each slit. Evenings, in the light of headlamps and riksz cars on the highway you can see only orange cloud. Dust settling everywhere, in the closet, on a bed, even in the office .. not to mention the black after one day kołnierzykach or shoes, which must be cleaned up twice a day to look decently.

Around the office is clean and neatly, but only twenty meters away, starts the biggest brothel the world - people sleeping together with cows and dogs on the narrow road separating the compartments, dumps which every twenty meters along the roads, of which fear stalls packed to buy water, not to mention about food, which przyrządzają on-site mixing dough hands, without any sanitary facilities and who later also eat with bare, nieumytymi hands.

If all the cities in India are chaotic, to Gurgaon is all that is worst in India. But businessmen from Microsoft, Oracle, Alcatel, IBM, PwC whether Ericsonna do not feel - air-conditioned office - air-conditioned car (with driver) - air-conditioned house. A class.

However, one can not fail to notice it. Traffic jams. Therein lies everyone - if you 're going to Delhi in peak hours, count on the fact that, despite the highway (for quite a standard), this may take 2 hours. Gurgaonu infrastructure is - does not have sidewalks, roads are holes, too small, or is not at all. Current sits down every few hours, and on Tuesdays, all shops are closed by law to reduce its consumption. The water disappears and is generally niepijalna. After each major rain, the streets become rivers because there is no low tide, and then śmierdzą krowimi gut and remnants degradable food and dogs. Fortunately, we have said that it's cool - najzimniej for years - the temperature does not exceed 35 degrees.

It is difficult to understand why all these companies have chosen Gurgaon on the location - but this is - this basin white and blue kołnierzyków. I malli - there are already several (Nasci?) And still produces more. But there is nothing more - some kondominiów, Malle and offices. A wild and trash around the market (which goes to one). Forget about parks, walking Aleje, cafes, Poland said that the wild capitalism. If so - invite you to Gurgaonu.

As someone enough - I recommend Hefner ...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

He probably meant "as someone who has experienced Gurgaon enough and hates it to the core"..."I recommend Hefner"

Blogging From The Skies (Almost & Literally)

Am waiting at the Chhatrapati Shivaji International Airport in Mumbai. It's currently 7.00 PM and I have a 10.30 PM flight to catch to Mumbai. Yes, I know...I finished my meeting early and didn't have the foresight to book a flight at a more reasonable time. But, because of a couple of things - the uncertainty of the end of the meeting and the Gujjar agitation in Delhi, I thought that it would be a safer bet to take the last flight out rather than take an early flight out and get stranded on the way back home in the Gujjar protests. Had quite an eventful day today. Was staying at the ITC Grand Central in Parel, where I chanced to literally have breakfast with the Chennai Super Kings. Had the good fortune to see Muralidharan, Balaji, Ntini (even had a brief chat with him in the elevator), a West Indian cricketer (whose name is on the tip of my fingers, but my mind fails me), Rudi Koertzen, Gony, Gopinath, and a couple of other players. It was quite late for them considering that I ate breakfast at almost 10 AM. They are very different in person and on the field. Ntini is always the crowd puller with his crazy comments and jovial nature. Muralidharan is always all smiles, be it while bowling or while gorging on idlis. Quite an experience I must say.

It's been quite some time since I have been sitting here after enjoying some Vegetarian Roll at Balaji Sweets and being poorer by 50 bucks. Have quite a day lined up tomorrow as well. My wife is traveling to Mumbai. Ironical that today I leave Mumbai and tomorrow, she gets here. My parents are expected to reach Delhi; have quite a few meetings (4 in all) to attend, of which 2 are interviews, 1 is a client visit, and the last one is a complete waste of time. I am constantly hoping against hope that I will see an actor/actress from Bollywood will cross my path and I hope to be noticed and offered a 'break' in their next. ha!

Mumbai has this weird feeling associated with it. It's a terribly dirty city, filled with shanties and jhuggies, traffic all around, loud sounds, hot and humid weather, etc., and yet - this place has a certain charm about it. The buzz in the city is addictive and the warmth that people express is overwhelming. Yes - this city is infested with over-metrosexual men (if you know what I mean), but they keep their distance. There's a certain feel and soul to the city. The sharp contrasts of societal differences virtually nullified in the busy trains of Mumbai where Mercedes and bicycle owners hanging by the last piece of metal they can find in the trains. This city is a great leveler and that's what I love about it. It has plenty of spunk, glamour, charm, and pragmatism feel about it. Although I would think twice before living here, considering the real estate prices here, this city pulls me towards it like no other. Maybe, some day...let's hope a well-wisher or a crazy whacko decides to rent his 4 bedroom house in Colaba/Worli decides to give me his/her house for safekeeping and allows me to stay there as a caretaker for free. I would jump immediately at that opportunity, and in all fairness take extra special care of his place. Then again, it's all wishful thinking!

Need to get a reality check and pick up my boarding pass from the Kingfisher counter now. The lady was kind enough to block my seat when I walked in 3.5 hours prior to departure. I enjoy flying Kingfisher not only because they make you feel special, but also because of the entire feel associated with the experience of flying Kingfisher. Regarded as a poor man's Virgin, it's done well for itself here in India. Let's see how long they can keep this up. Their seats by far are the most comfortable for an economy class traveler in the Indian skies; their food is not stale, which is the biggest compliment any full carrier can get; their entertainment bouquet needs to be a little more prepped up. One annoying thing is when the air hostess announces that she's either coming to get the blankets (which I never ask for), or when she talks about the Kingfisher Club Experience, or when she announces that she's getting lunch/dinner, etc., and then goes on to announce the same thing again in a vernacular language - come on! I'm trying to watch something here. Don't bug me unless we are about to die or if I have won some sort of prize.

Time to get my boarding pass now (really!) and wait hopefully for either a starlet to pass by and give me a 'break' (the movie kind) and/or find my well-wishing free house-giver in Mumbai.

Until next time - Hef.

Are You A Gujjar Boy?

That's right. Are you one? If so, here - take this pass and become the most privileged class in the country. Are you kidding me?

It's difficult to fathom why anyone, let alone people of this caste making a hue and cry about not being granted Scheduled Cast/Scheduled Tribe status. Isn't that a form of discrimination in itself? A democratic/secular country is one that is not supposed to differentiate between it's citizens on the pretext of caste, religion, sex, blah blah blah... Why is this an exception then? Who is to blame for this fiasco?

Why don't these fellas invest their time in doing something more meaningful rather than protesting and creating a nuisance to overcome their wont of an SC/ST status? Surprisingly, these are the same people, who if granted this status will puff their chests out and roam the streets with swollen egos declaring to the country how they arm-twisted the Government to give them such a 'distinction'. Heck - I know MK Gandhi gave all these fellows the impetus and license to be recognized as 'Harijans', but as we Indians do with all other things in life, we decided to take matters in our own hands and demand of this status as our birthright and god-gifted opportunity to be granted preferential treatment by the governing bodies.

Nowadays, the richest Brahmin boy too has reduced himself to levels of getting a fake SC/ST certificate (which is available for a song) from any Municipal Corporation and take the certificate to their schools/colleges/prospective employers and 'demand' inclusion. Wake up. Here we are on one hand talking about going to space, growing affluency (and inflation rate), emerging as a superpower, and yet, we have these confused people roaming the dirty streets of our country?

You want to have quotas - fine...let these fellows be given the status of SC/ST. However, let them be denied the right to purchase tobacco or alcohol in any shape and form; get anything less than 70% in any field of studies once they have been given admission on the basis of their status; be given the chance to be treated as a special case only once in their life - whether it's on the education front, work front, or political front.

Why do we keep pampering and tolerating such inefficient humans and treat them as crippled members of their own special society year after year, decade after decade, century after century, and more importantly, human after human? Doesn't that make you or me a lesser priveleged class? Shouldn't we have special rights too in that case? Why them and why not us? This debate could go on forever if the Government and the Constitution do not come to their sense and abolish this entire ideology of SC/ST and privileged classes. It's a sham - an inconvenient for all, unfair to all, manipulative scam.

Don't just be a Gujjar boy for the benefits that come with it...be a self-respecting Gujjar boy and show the nation what your worth is!

Here's an interesting email that I came across some time ago - a little lame, but nevertheless, just shows the frustration that people go through when such things happen in the country:

"I think we should have job reservations in all the fields. I completely support the PM and all the politicians for promoting this. Let's initiate the reservation quota system with our cricket team. We should have 10 percent reservation for Muslims. 30 percent for OBC, SC/ST . Cricket rules should be modified accordingly.

The boundary circle should be reduced for an SC/ST player. The four hit by an OBC player should be considered as a six and a six hit by an OBC player should be counted as 8 runs. An OBC player scoring 60 runs should be declared as a century.

We should influence ICC and make rules so that pace bowlers should not bowl fast to our OBC players. Bowlers should bowl at a maximum speed of 80 km/ hour to an OBC player. Any delivery above this speed should be made invalid and should attract a penalty of 2 runs along with a free-hit.

We should also have reservations in Olympics. In the 100 meters race, an OBC player should be given a gold
medal if he runs 80 meters.

And what about reservations in Government jobs also - the obvious one. Let's recruit SC/ST and OBC pilots for aircrafts which carry ministers and politicians (that can really help the country...)

Ensure that only SC/ST and OBC doctors operate on ministers and other politicians.
(Another way of saving the country...)"

Wildlife, Humanity, and Television

Wildlife is fine, until humans decide to butt in. Battered by humans over the millennia, even today, it is the self-appointed preservationists who are adding to the damage their ancestors have caused to wildlife. I crave leave to expand later.

My first objection is to our humans’ definitions of “intelligence”, and closely allied is our way of trying to judge everybody and everything, by our own wonky standards. I was looking at a group of so-called scientists studying the intelligence level in monkeys. They had managed to procure a few hapless creatures to justify their own employment, but that’s another story. Monkeys were asked to put colored square pegs in square holes and round ones in round and triangular ones in triangular ones, and so on. The monkeys who were able to do it were labeled as ‘having the intelligence of a three-year-old human’. There was no mention about the monkeys who could not accomplish this Einsteinian feat (other futile exercises monkeys have been subjected to include finding a hidden marble, or pressing appropriate areas of a touch-screen), or who merely considered us humans too stupid to oblige by doing an act which was of no consequence to them.

Now, let’s examine the flip side.

Let’s have a group of monkeys catch hold of a few full-grown humans and put them to the test to see how well these humans can leap from tree to tree. Obviously, the humans will fail miserably, by monkey standards. Now, the monkeys should conclude that even as adults, humans do not possess the skills of even a baby monkey. Now, these scientists will argue that this would be a test of physical skill, as opposed to mental skill. OK. Let the most physically competent human athlete try and come even close to what a monkey can achieve in the branches. Similarly, are these scientists trying to say that trapeze artistes do not require any mental skills to perform their feats?

In short, we humans declare any species whose language or behaviour we can't understand as unintelligent. The fact is that we are too stupid to be able to understand them. They get along just fine without us, and have been doing so for millions of years before us; we can't get along without them - at the most elementary level, what will we do for food, if animals cease to exist in all their designated forms?!

We humans have ruthlessly destroyed most of the habitat of wild animals. We are responsible for their destruction – and we humans are such hypocrites (or, troubled by our consciences) that we are now declaring certain species as endangered and are trying to ‘protect’ them. To add insult to injury, our TV ads never talk about looking after animals for their love, but only so that we save ourselves from destruction if these animals are not allowed to perish. Oh, the selfish irony!

Again, there a such a lot of hype being created about preservation of wildlife and stopping cruelty to animals, but I think that’s reserved for the big cats, crocs, bears and other larger, or, more exotic animals. Else, what in the world can explain a large ear being grown on the back of a mouse? Or, other terrible drugs being tried out, legally and surreptitiously, on all kinds of animals, in the name of science? Luring killer sharks with decoys to measure the strength of their bite? How stupid can humans get?

It is said that cell phones carried near the heart (in the breast pocket) is harmful for humans. Aren't radio transmitters that are fitted to animals the same thing? Add to that the inconvenience of having something artificial strapped to an animal, especially in the wild, where every little bit counts for survival - I mean, most creatures have done away with unnecessary appendages not essential to their survival, if Darwin's theories have any bit of truth in them - why then burden the poor animals with a radio collar? Further, could not the radio signals be affecting the way they communicate or navigate, since many of the methods of communication between animals is unknown to us even now? The electricity and magnetism these collars would generate are sure to have some impact. Worst of all is that of late "critter-cams" have come into vogue. An even larger appendage and even more signals! These scientists claim to love and respect animals - what about the animals' rights to privacy? I say it's all hogwash. The truth is these scientists care more about their livelihoods than the "critters". And they go ahead and endanger the very lives they claim to have "reintroduced to the wild". I can't understand this kind of love.

If scientists wish to study animals, let them do it without interfering with them or handling them in any way. For all one knows, mass slaughter of animals may have been passed on from the hunters of yore to these scientists who are pretending to be concerned about nature and the planet. They will argue that the numbers of certain animals are increasing. Who has permitted these scientists to play this numbers game with nature? Fellas, their numbers are increasing not because of you, but in spite of you. Legislation that bans killing of wildlife is the only thing humans are capable of doing to help animals; let them make no mistake about their other imagined capabilities.

The Bigger Superstars

Yes, we've all heard about Amitabh's, Aamir's, Shahrukh's (this - as all other things are SRK - is nothing but a marketing exercise), and Salman's blogs (another marketing gimmick)...but what attracted me more about the entire rigmarole and crazy mudslinging going on there are 2 things:

a) I LOVE the honest opinions rolling around. I am appreciative of the fact that for the first time, we get to see the real person behind the screen persona that we are so used to and fathom all our opinions around that particular imaginary character. If the last sentence sounds complicated...stop reading after '...real person behind the screen persona...'

b) Reader comments :) I have managed to highlight a few randomly from the different blogs. I am in the process of classifying them, but thought I'd just share a few gems immediately.

I will also be posting some posts that I think are hard-hitting and give us a glimpse of the real person behind the pen.

A lot of the comments that are being posted by these readers of these various blogs have been compiled and collected by my good friend at work.

NB: This post is not intened to make fun of anyone or anyone's feelings. It's just an analysis of the pains people go through (even though they might know the English language very well) to reach out to their loved icons.

From Amitabh's blog:

• To my surprise I never knew that your english vocab skills are so higher and higher that nobody can guess that you equally breath Hindi so well.
• u really have perfect blend of all humanly qualities greatest fan following resumed till now
  wat to say next really a perfect idol bollywood actor liked by all agers
• hi Amit uncle,
  m a gr8 fan of urs….for ma childhood.i hv always remind u as a strong man just like he-man.but diz days m upset wid u b'cause of ur atitude wid other stars….. shahrukh, aamir de are juniour of urs.. plzzdo dis .b'cause smtimes it gives us a glimps of any type of infiriority…
  actualy i wanna say dat u r a he-man…. n he-man never do so…
  plz dont mind wat i said. . . it is just wat i felt…..

• Hello Mr. Amitabh!

  Its cool that you are writing a blog.

  I read somewhere that you are being paid a three digit sum (in crores) by bigadda to write on their blogging service. It might be true or it may not be true. But I am sure there will be some compensation for you. And you surely deserve it. With your blog, you are reaching your fans and also it is a commercial venture for bigadda.

  I would like to offer a PERMANANT PICTURE/FLAH AD in the first page right at the top in my blog. This ad will lead to your blog and also to big adda website. This ad will be permanant. All I ask for is a good compensation. I am a student and started my own blog to write personal articles. But now I also want to make money through my blog.

  So BIGB sir and BIGADDA dudes, consider my offer for a permanant Ad placement in my blog return, I need a decent compensation.

• amitji is it necessary to work on SUNDAYS? sorry u r asking us . but now the position is like that we r asking to u?
• Sir ji you can see me on big adda .My login ID is nananagpuri ,you can search using login ID nananagpuri.I am 22 years old guy with a lot of thinks
  thanks
• mr bachchan, as i type this message many tears fall from my face

• I am .. Not a big Fan off urs… but i like the WAY u r…. As even smwhere heared abt u that u r … even an ANGRY OLD MAn lol
  is tis a truth that u paid 100crors..z. for tis BLOG….. To abusz… SK…
  in it …!!

  i read smwhere in a blogs…"

The winner so far:

• ""Dear BIG-B ji, I am Narendra; my home town is Allahabad.I want to you say that about your idea in the contribution of a new name for Allahabad. The new name will be BIG-B City. Allahabad is also known as 'Prayag'.I want to add a extra name BIG-B City following Allahabad as well as Prayag.Due to name of BIG-B City a lot of resons.I want to say that more people from Allahabad became famous or being famous ,A lot of politicians, poets,writers,freedomfighters etc born in Allahabd and have became popular ,but in the new name of My Allahabad you are pick of all because It is a true story about your name and fame.I am beginning true story I was pursuing MBA (2006-2008)in Rohtak which is CM CITY in Haryana State. I was living on rent near Police line Rohtak.I always fill my bottle of water from water cooler of Police line.First day some policemen asked me 'Are you student' and Where is Your home town.I told them yes I am student pursuing MBA in ICFAI National College(INC) which is related to ICFAI University Dehradoon(Uttaranchal).When I told them about my home town then they were wonderfull,they told me in Haryanvi local 'Are tu to Amitabh Bachchan ke gaon ka hai re, Amitabh se kabhi mila hai wo bhi tera Allahabadi hai,are tuje koi paresani hove to bata diyo,The behavior of them effected me I thought that I didn't met Amitabh Bachchan but due to the home city of Bachchan they want help me. During 2 years of College a lot of students and people respect me. After some days in my college when any person told me about my home town then I told them that my home town is BIG-B City. They were thinking that where this city in India but after few is seconds they gussed you are from Allahabad and represented in Haryanvi' Are Amitabh ke home town ka hai Tera matlab Allahabd se hai.Once upon a time I was copying my some papers in a photostate shop. I asked for giving money in our mother tongue 'Are Sir ji kitne paise huye' the owner of this shop asked me 'Tu to yaha kaa nahi lahta kaha kaa rahne wala '.I told him that I am from BIG-B City .He told me sat on my sheet 'Are tuje pata hai tu bachchan sahib ke sahar ka hai Matlab Allahabd ka hai tu .I WAS SHOKED THAT HIS EYES IN FULL OF TEARS AND HE TOLD ME;I want much Amitabh I respect you that you are from Allahabad and told me 'tujhe paakar aur teri local boli se manne bahut santi mil rahi hai jaise maine Abitabh ko pa liya hai. A lot of stories related to your fame and name,So Among all Allahabadi you are very popular in the root of country.If you do not want BIG-B City then you can change BIG-B City into Bachchan City in the written form .I will also try.I am 22 years old but I have great thinking about this name BIG-B City for Allahabad.
  I am waiting for your opinion""

The most hard-hitting piece I have read from Amitabh's blog is the one under which lambasts Khalid Mohammed for his review of Bhootnath. Wow!

"...And Khalid Mohammed who reviews the film for Hindustan Times of date, who instead of reviewing writes a personal letter to me through a public document, who wishes that I go and learn how to act from the Pune Film Institute, who laments at the only dialogue he heard in the entire film, my oft repeated ‘Haiiiiiiii’, who as director made three of the most colossal bombs in the history of Indian Cinema and who now tries to educate others in the craft, who credits the cast of the film as AB,AB AB, disrespecting the other eminent star presence, who allegedly as Editor of Filmfare, coerced the talent of his directed films to work for him in lieu of the alleged consideration of an Award, titles his diatribe -

‘TO BOO OR NOT TO BOO’

Well KHALIDA ! And this is not a gender error, but a call you respond to lovingly, when Jaya addresses you, as you spread yourself across our dining table in Jalsa, sipping our, in your own words, ‘exclusive and expensive wine’, this is what I have to say to you -

‘BOO’ !!!"