"Average Indian spends just Rs.440 on food per month" - bah, humbug!

Yeh main nahi kehta - yeh woh kehte hain! Funnily enough, when you click on the link that is supposed to be their external website...ha!

Here’s a link to the entire story...

First of all, the headline of the post itself: Average Indian spends just Rs 440 on food per month

Right - and I spend just 30 p on electricity. I mean, first of all - who is an ‘average Indian’…and secondly, what constitutes ‘food’? Who is considered to be an ‘urban’ citizen (is mumbai = jaipur)? Who is a rural inhabitant?

Let’s look at this in a different light. What is the average per capita income of an Indian? Ans. INR 29,642 (according to this article). That means the average Indian earns approx. INR 2500/month. That means they spend ~ 17% of their income on food. That sounds slightly believable, but if I were to take things into consideration via percentages, then either I am underspending like crazy or I am malnourished and keep my family that way as well. The percentage spend on food in my case stands at approx. 11% (and I have a family of 2 and I have discounted eating out - which I am sure even the calculations above must have taken into consideration).

The NSSO data showed a rural Indian spending just Rs.12 per month on fruit, while his urban counterpart Rs.28.

Please show me where the hell such a fruit-seller is, or are these people surviving on a diet of a bite of an apple a day? Further, I feel that this data is again misrepresented because they have taken into consideration the entire population who eats fruits and who don’t eat fruits as well. In a sense of the word, it’s not an oranges - oranges comparison (no pun intended).

Basically, this is a very open-ended article which leads to a lot of questions and leaves the reader with a lot going on in his/her mind, as to whether we are being conned in our daily lives with regard to food prices.

And as always, one Mr. Jaiswal says the following - blame it on the Government, no matter who it is.

“”It is an alarming situation, which will lead to severe malnutrition, and will subsequently weaken human resources. The government must reorient its policies.”

And for those of you who are wondering, here is a breakup of the sample size, once again, very very ambiguous:

NSSO survey results relate to July 2006 to June 2007, and findings are based on a randomly drawn sample, 63,729 households spread over 5,573 villages and 7,698 urban blocks countrywide.

Here's testament to the fact that prices are rising multifold than what the government is projecting. Courtesy: http://www.rediff.com/getahead/2008/apr/09fm.htm

Are these guys doing to the per capita consumption what the government is doing to the inflation figures, and what women do most of the time….Faking it?

Two In One

Two posts in one day...not bad.

Ok - so I've already hit writer's block and don't know where I am going with the story. In the first place, as soon as I was all enthusiastic to start writing about something, the lights went out...I fell asleep, and all of a sudden, the idea that was my ripe in mind had somehow just disappeared!

Not going to take up too much of your time except that the story lives to be told another day. Nothing from my stable just yet. Maybe I should just make a movie. That way, even the reader/viewer won't be exposed to it twice.

Hmm...some direction of thought there, or maybe so because it's just convenient for me. Well, whatever!

A Random Post 

~ Hef.

Writing A Book? The Beginning of Something Big?

Now that's an interesting thought, isn't it? I could never have imagined that I would get down to writing a book, or at least attempting to write one. I have harboured this secret urge for quite some time now, and I feel that with time on my hands and nothing better to do, I might as well get down to writing a book. 

I could of course, watch tons of movies, considering that I have got 4x24 hours at my disposal, but something within me tells me that it's now or never. Everyone feels like writing a book at some point in their lives. Some do it, and some don't. I have no idea whether I will be able to actually get down to it or even get a few pages written down, but rest assured, I am going to give it a shot to say the least.

But before that, a few questions that I must ask myself:

• Subject?

Ramblings of a few blokes working for one of the greatest companies that man/woman has ever worked in (sorry, can't elaborate more than this - fear of being whipped by the corp comm team of this company).

Story's about a group of guys who talk about everyone and everything under the sun. Mind you - it's got a lot of stuff that guys would normally talk about (and that involves a lot of dirty stuff). An insight into the minds of a few normal guys.

• Plot?

Are you kidding me? Nothing!!!

• Plans of making this a full-time hobby?

Since the recession is already here, I need to figure out an alternative shot at making some money at least.

• Will it become a movie?

Now, there's a thought...

• Who's going to be your audience?

I don't know...anyone who has a lot of time to do nothing.

• Is access free of charge?

As are all the good things in life - yes...this is free access to one and all who care (or don't). Well, free at least for some time. Once (and if) it becomes a rage, then who knows? I know I am greedy.

• Afraid of being sued?

Who isn't?

• Timelines?

Starting now, Saturday, 25th October, 2008. Don't know when (and if) I will finish.

• Where should the readers go to read the junk that I'll write?

Umm...good question. Will post the link as soon as I make some progress.

• Ready?

Ready.

• Go...

Gone!

~ Hef.

Gettin' Jiggy With It - Globally

Here's what symbolizes the title of this post.

For those of you who are not familiar with the matter, although I must admit it's hard to miss, here's a quick, simplistic, humorous explanation of the entire situation (thanks to greatbong).

Part 1
Part 2

The times, they are a changin'. 6 months ago, who could have imagined that stocks could plummet globally from where they were to where they are now. Each day where the stocks rally, there is jubilation all around the globe and hopes resurface as the end of a nightmare. Well, the very next day, things are back to the way they were. Stocks are tumbling, people are committing suicide, and I am losing sleep.

Losing sleep not because I have a significant investment in my company's stock options (which are pretty much worthless right now), but am wondering whether I am ready to brave the next 12-24 months and retain holding the stocks till the worst phase is over. The worst part about the entire thing is that there are no guarantees in life and the meltdown is no exception either.

As mentioned earlier, I don't have any money in stocks. I prefer playing it safe. I don't miss the highs of the stock market and definitely don't care about the lows. However, considering that I intend making some changes to the way I live, be it in terms of lifestyle or responsibilities, these are nervous times. I guess this is what they say about growing up - you start caring about things that don't affect you directly in the least bit. I believe in playing it safe and investing my money in very very safe avenues, also because I don't have much to save (isn't that a global problem as well?). Each day I wake up, I frantically search for my blackberry, and key in the stocks that I care about the most (on google.com/m), only to be disappointed with a graph that is slanting downwards to the right bottom of my tiny mobile screen.

Can anything be done? I honestly doubt it. We have to pay for our greed and what better way to pay for it than to have that thing taken away that gave rise to a vice in the first place?

I am sure people must have seen this coming at some point in time. All conversations that I have with my friends/relatives all surround this terrible state of affairs. Some of the things that come out of the conversation are:

• "I am not going to invest in stocks ever again"
• "This global crap has happened all because of human greed"
• "Suicides by stockbrokers is spreading like an epidemic"
• "What's your guess on what's going to happen?"
• and like a fresh breath of air - "Where/when do you think will the next bomb strike be?"

Depressing, ain't it?

Changing tracks slightly, 2008 hasn't been all that a great year for the citizens of the world. Some failures that come to mind immediately, in no order as such:

• Failure of the Nano project in W Bengal
• Number of bomb blasts (we are second only to Iraq) in the country
• Waving a wad of currency notes in the Indian Parliament reminiscent of this disgraceful scene
  
• Globally weak economies
• Iceland declaring itself bankrupt
• No hikes in salaries
• Weakening job markets
• No decent movies to watch (so far)
• Reality shows becoming passe' except of course that fateful evening on Bindaas TV and the confusion of the participant shouting 'How can you slap?' and then clarifies again "How can she slap?"
  
• No great music either this year
• Sourav Ganguly announcing his retirement - by far the best leader (cricket, et. al) India has ever had.
• Prices of petrol going through the roof
• Benazir Bhutto's assassination...well to be honest, this was Dec 27, 2007...but close enough.*
  
• Hurricanes Ike, Hanna, Gustav
• iPhone overpriced in India, and therefore, much beyond the reach of the common man.

(* thanks Suhel for pointing the date out...)

Some points to make the Indian at heart feel better:

• India launched 10 satellites at once, setting a world record for most number of satellites launches.
  
• Finally a gold medal for India in the 2008 Beijing Olympics
• Lalu at his best: Part 1 / Part 2
  
• Zardari acts all amorous
• umm... I guess that's it.
  

Hopefully, towards the end of the year, when and if I still own a laptop/PC, I will write to enumerate all the significant events in the year that was.

Coming back to getting jiggy with it - it's just getting more and more 'jiggier'. Watch out for the rest of this year for the ultimate shakedown of the millennium.

God bless!

~ Hef.

Women Drivers & My Hatred For Their Driving

Bad day for me today. Looked at my Analytics reports and found that my readership had fallen to an all-time low yesterday. Therefore, decided to put fingers on keyboard and become more regular with my irregular habit - blogging.

Women Drivers - simply said, I abhor them. Share the same view? No? Ok, allow me to tell you more...

Have you ever seen a woman drive a car before (or for that matter even a two-wheeler)? For women, the car's true symbolism lies in the fact that it is actually a 4-wheeler machine which to them seems like the most vulnerable of all their belongings. The way they look at each and every car in the rear-view mirror, in front of them through the windshield, or even by their side glances is one that any person who sees them driving thinks of them as the most susceptible and scared human beings that there ever were. It's like a whole new world for these folks. Seems as though they have just opened their eyes and voila! they've been thrown into this mysterious world of bad bad people and bad bad cars. The look that they get on their face when they see a truck or a bus approaching is that of a two-year old when they see a 6-foot moustached burly fellow standing in front and coochie-cooing them. Mouths agape, eyes bulged out and ready to bawl!

One thing that strikes me most often when they drive is their inability to take a look at what's in front of them most of the time. The minute they approach a bumper or need to needle out their car from some thin lane, they suddenly get up on their seat and look down wondering if they have just run over a squirrel or two. Instead of focusing on what's in front of them, there they are half hoisted on their seat, take a quick cursory look to the left and right and then up again and ride out and even then, manage to get a scratch or two. The older ones are very experienced and apt at this.

Not only do women not know how to drive, they don't know how to a) Park, b) Drive fast, c) Follow a lane, d) Stick to the left when they feel that they are going too fast (read over 30 km/hr), e) Give way, f) Change gears at the right time, g) Change tyres (I have given a hand to many a one).

Women just can't let go of being conscious of the way they look no matter where they are - be it the loo in a restaurant, a high-profile party, and obviously, the car is no exception either. I have seen then many-a-time in their cars stuck in traffic, quickly powdering their nose, applying lipstick, a couple of hairbrushes coming out, eye-liners, and of course, the tissue paper in their hands. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn! They however do...

Mobile phones have been banned while driving, but apparently these self-proclaimed members of the 'weaker' sex think of themselves to be an exception to this rule. Ladies - wake up and smell the coffee - you are now in a totally different zone. Your hairdresser/tailor/boyfriend can and will wait. It's you who needs to be patient and ask them to call you back later, or better still, not answer the phone. Am sure being the sort of men we are, we won't be suspicious for even a second of your whereabouts :)

Banging their own cars (not in the literal or sexually suggestive way of speaking) seems to come very naturally to them. Yes, not saying that we men are immune to them, but our scale is much higher and believe it or not, we make an impact. With the women though, it's a scratch here, a dent there, and inevitably, it's their fault. You know when you've been hit by a woman-driven car when you hear a squeaky voice scream from outside of your car, 'Oh, my God! Can't you see???' Well, I can. The problem here is your poor eyesight and your lack of a skill called driving.

And for some of my brethren out there, I feel your pain when you have to sit next to one of these women while they drive...I really do.

Now, to be fair to them let me point out the times when being a woman driver can actually be a good thing. This time, I'll summarize since the points are very few and I couldn't think of more ways to elucidate my views.

- Pleasure to the male eyes... the women, not the cars.
- You can't/shouldn't beat them up if they hit your car.
- The police lets them off easily. A smile here, a blink there and it's all taken care of. Ladies - a word of caution though. They don't like it when you call them 'bhaiya'
- They can't beat you up if you hit their car. By the way, their favorite position when they hit your car or vice versa is akimbo.
- Have hardly ever heard of major accidents with a woman behind the wheel.
- They don't have to change their own flat tyres/fix their car if something goes wrong, not because they can't, but because they don't know how to.

All right, enough - think the good points already outweigh the bad ones. Got to stop myself from wishing I was a woman behind the wheel...struggling....got to stop...got to....aargh....

phew!

- Hef

Weekends

An important event in every working individual's life - the big W - the Weekend. A lot of people look forward to it, a lot of them don't for their own reasons, some people enjoy it, and some people just louse around at home doing nothing awaiting the impending doom of the next working week which will start in a few hours time.

I live in a village, Gurgaon (and yes, I refuse to call it anything but a village) that has little to do over the weekends, unless you are a shopaholic with a lot of money and an insatiable craving for stepping out into the horrid heat.

You see what happened here - I got carried away and I am sure this is going to turn into one of those posts where I criticize anything and everything about this place. Sometimes I wonder why am I here. Isn't being here or not completely in my hands? What's binding me to this place? Why am I not bold enough to just take a step and get out of here if I can't come to terms with this place? Well, let that be the topic of discussion for another post altogether. Let me get back on track here.

All right, so coming back on track...a lot of people in this part of the world believe in the fact that they should go out for a weekend break to a godforsaken part of this country just for the drive and the heck of it. Well, as you might have guessed by now - I am not one of the flock.

A lot of people also like going out for a movie and a lunch/dinner with their better halves/families/friends. Again, I am out of this for a few reasons - my better half goes on a cleaning spree over the weekend and I am too lazy to be involved in it. A movie + lunch/dinner means a 1000 bucks down the drain for sure. I might as well just buy a DVD or watch one of the many zillions that I possess but haven't seen yet and order in a cheese pizza with Thums Up - all this for less than 500 bucks and in the comfort of my own home, not that my place is a very ambient place - no reasonably priced apartment in Gurgaon is for that matter. As far as the question of friends/family is concerned, my friends are too busy with either getting hooked up with females or spending time with one of their own. As far as family is concerned - I don't even have any in this place (and thank God for that).

Well then - what about new friends? Isn't Delhi the place to make friends of all shapes and sizes? Well, yes and no. Yes because it is true...you need to have someone with the same mindset and with the same ideologies as yourself and no because the kind of people that exist in this part of the forest are extremely impractical, crude, rude, dishonest, ill-mannered, sick, corrupt and corruptible individuals. There has to be a reason why someone from this place will want to spend some time on a weekend with you. There just has to be a hidden agenda behind the smile. In short, friends/family/strangers aka potential friends - OOTQ - out of the question.

Ok, so what do I actually end up doing? Nothing. Period.

Lie around the whole day, do some grocery shopping, order in grub, watch DVDs/TV, yawn, and of course - my favorite pastime - crib about this place and contemplate and try and figure out how to get back to where I came from - Hyderabad or Kolkata or to a completely unknown destination such as Singapore, Bangalore, or anywhere but here!

Samsher Sikander Chaddie Buddy - & other such fallacies

Title of the post translated - Samsher Sikander Underwear Buddies!

Sitting on a Kingfisher flight staring at the in-flight entertainment system with most channels showing up as scrambled, and therefore flipping channels - and this is what I see. Is this what kids watch these days? Unbelievable!!!

It’s good to be proud of one’s mother tongue and maintain that sense of national integrity, but translating all good shows/movies into the Hindi language is a serious sin. I mean - Stanley Kubrick will turn in his grave if he hears the cult satire - Dr. Strangelove being recited by a bunch of Hindi-speaking jokers reciting the dialogues made infamous by Peter Sellers and George C. Scott.

One of the funniest translations that I have ever come across was for the movie Jurassic Park, where the humongous dinosaurs were referred to as ‘dekho dekho, itna bada chhipkali’ (for those uninitiated to the Hindi language or those who want to fake it) the literal translation is ‘look, look! Such a huge lizard’. blech - how could they even come up with something like that?

Coming back to the wonderful show that triggered my fingers off to blog about this immediately, this cartoon show is about a boy who has a monkey as a friend and they play pranks. The funny part is that at the introduction of the show, where the boy (am assuming he is Samsher) is introducing his monkey (Sikander), while the monkey introduces himself by bearing his behind and slapping his rear repeatedly shouting out his name. Anyway - all the best to the kids who are watching this kind of nonsense and their parents.

I really miss watching all the shows that really made cartoons what they are supposed to be - innocent and fun-loving. The original Tom & Jerry cartoons...not the trash that Hanna Barbara or whoever is churning out these days by turning old foes into friends (is the Cold War really over?), Popeye Show, Disney Cartoons, and of course, those good old Looney Tunes characters - Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd (wabbit hunter), Tweety & Sylvester, Lode Runner & Coyote, the list goes on. Absolutely brilliant!

The show that still tickles my funny bone and that I have the fortune of catching once in a while in English is Johnny Bravo. Agreed that it’s not the classic, traditional rib-tickler, and is for the slightly older audience (read teenagers), but heck - it makes me laugh.

I guess one of the reasons that most of these shows have gone off the air is because of the fact that they have seen rerun after rerun and the cartoon channels need to offer variety in order to keep advertisers interested. The good thing about this entire thing though is the fact that many animation movies are being churned out these days, and I am happy to say that most of the stuff is pretty entertaining and is full ‘paisa vasool’.

Animated movies such as the Shrek Trilogy, Finding Nemo, Lion King series, various Disney animated movies, Dreamworks productions, and yes - South Park too for those who just enjoy nonsensical shows, these programs/movies offer great entertainment value. Sometimes I prefer watching these animated movies to the trash that some Hollywood producers (not to mention bad Bollywood movie houses) churn out. At least you know that you will laugh at the points where the writer/producer’s intend you to.

All this writing really reminds me that there are quite a few animated movies that I need to catch up on. I just hope that these fellas don’t go overboard in the quest to make hay while the sun shines and this genre is still a very safeguarded and specialized one.

Bollywood has tried it’s best to cash in on the trends that the Hollywood guys have set by producing some animation flicks of their own. Unfortunately, as always, we have made an utter mess of what could have been a wonderful opportunity. Animated movies such as Ghatotkacha (the spelling always confuses me!), Ganesha, Shri Krishna, Hanuman, etc. (what’s the deal with these god-obsessed, illiterate movie producers?) have completely sidelined their audience and restricted them to children. It’s surprising. I thought Hindi productions were made to cater to the masses, but this came as a complete surprise to me. Badly animated, poor script execution, terrible production are just some of the hallmarks of our Indian attempts at making animated movies.

Well - that in a nutshell my friends are my views on what the state of the animated caricatures of entertainment productions are here. Feel free to disagree. Until next time - tally ho!